XXXIV

another day offers a new light to be seen in.

the light feels old but so refreshing.

I spend my days recognizing my flaws.

I try in vein to correct them.

Ive cut the ties that hid who i was.

and im left feeling like myself again.

I'm finally doing what ive said i would for the past 10 years.

These eyes are decaying because they have seen the fall.

to say that ive changed and im not seeing clear

is rebutted by every action of the past.

im still me. im just not perfect.

i never said i was a good person.

just that i try to be.

Im the best there is at being me but there are definately better people to be.

XXXIII

I'll always be the one reaching for that apple. 

I hate it but my arms outstretched

and i'll get it too.

XXXII time out.

when you marry the man of your dreams you'll get it.

I never forgot.

The only person i stopped caring about was myself for a change.

It fucked me inside but in the end it is the best thing for you

and the only thing that gives me the right to make these decisions is that i know me and us.

Grasping at straws is less than what you deserve.

I could only really be a scarecrow in the end.

So here you are, doing,

except for reading this,

exactly what i wanted.

Hating.

Moving on.

Searching for something more.

Not settling for a bad fit.

You hate me

but one day you will be happier than i could ever make you.

If hating me gets you there,

thats all i want.

XXXI

the one phrase that keeps coming back to me is 

'sometimes you have to lose yourself before you can find yourself'.

i hate it when people take metaphors and try and relate them logically when it is quite obviously a metaphor. its no achievement.

XXX. not edge. read earlier posts.

If everything has to happen eventually, ill die an infinite number of times infinite numbers of ways.

if every single possibility has to be happening because space has to continue, im already dead somewhere.

Some things have got to happen, based on now. because thats all ive got to go on. and the future, past and space are constant reminders. 

i completely believe i have no soul.

i cant.

its a myth.

read previous posts about conditioning.

if we are conditioned into what we are, 

if knowledge and learning is the human condition. 

if genetics are the other influence to our temperament and chemical imbalances within us.

how can we possibly have a soul if animals dont?

we are animals.

i do believe there are secrets to life.

a human corpse (as far as we know) is structurally no different to a living one.

this doesn't mean i believe in such thing as a soul.

people relate their soul to your inner monologue.

because thats your thoughts and its not physical?

it is physical. 

its all computing within your brain with every electrical impulse.

that is your mind.

someone who doesn't speak english would have to have an inner monologue in their preferred language. thats simple and obvious enough. 

So inner monologue doesn't rely on communication.

just what you know.

so.. if you grew up not communicating with anyone. 

logically, 

you'd have an inner monologue that only you would understand because its your own personal willing force. 

if an animal species doesn't have the capacity to communicate with each other, 

i believe they still have an inner monologue and are capable of thinking.

 just some more than others as with every animal.

XXVIV

still standing.

standing, lost in a forest.

all ive really got is the direction ive chosen to walk.

wish these fucking shoes fit.