XVII flogging a dead horse.

i flogged that fucking horse in the hope that i could move it an inch

i flogged it for too long and all it did was rot.

until finally its eyes fell out and it sank further into the earth.

id rather fucking walk.

XVI sunset

workin for the workers to waste a dollar made 

a life of spending spent working every fucking day 

and from the moment i was born ive been digging my own grave

 trying to burn a trail. bright enough to light my way. 

we all die trying

XV

how do you act 

if you've just been stabbed in the gut,

but your friend has stubbed their toe ?

what if it was your friend who, while, somehow stubbing their toe,

theyve managed to pierce you where it hurts and not realize it?

and if, try as you might to explain, they cant see that youve been gutted,

but you can see that they have stubbed their toe.

i feel like im making allowances for a self inflicted stubbed toe,

while ive been stabbed in the guts.

and the worst thing is.

that toe will always be more important.

XIV

to get along with someone.

sometimes i feel its more important to hate the same things 

rather than like the same things.

if you hate different things,

you argue about it.

if you like different things, but hate the same things, 

you can deal with it.

so i guess i dont care about what you like.

ill listen to what you hate.

hating something always seems to have a sense of humor involved.

I've been trying to have a more positive outlook lately. 

it doesn't work for me.

i'm getting angrier because i cant laugh at how fucked things are.

it is becoming more apparent that im happier if i can just hate things like i naturally do.

but i still try...

but at the same time wonder why i am in the end.

every time ive come close to crying in the last few years ive laughed... most of the time hysterically.

the night my mum told me that she had M.S and had had attacks and it was irreversable.

 Inevitable that it was going to get harder eventually. 

eventually not be able to walk or move because she wont have control over her limbs and it was happening reasonably quickly. 

We had all seen the signs but didnt know the answer. 

Told that her memory would deteriorate along with it. 

maybe not as bad but it would be hard.

The night i was told this i laughed.

i felt like shit.

my mum cried and all i could do was laugh.

as much as i tried to stifle it. 

as shitty as i felt. thats what came out.

its kinda like when people talk about those moments where you could either laugh or cry.

rather laugh i guess.

hating doesn't seem like such a negative thing to me.

you cant have love without hate.

i feel like, 

if i love too much, it doesnt mean as much.

if i hate everything, and love only a few things.

those things are more important.

fuck it. i know what i mean.

give it all to those i love.

...fuck the rest.

XIII

Today is the birthday of the first zombie.

thats why i celebrate easter.

little rabbits to chew on.

XII. time and space.

Time and space lemans theory. 

...this will probably be a re occurring post.

If there was a big bang -

What was there before it?

space and time. 

there had to be because there always has to be something to proceed something else in time.

 even when there's nothing in the universe, there's nothingness and time elapsing.

 

So how can time begin? 

yes i know that time is relative but i'm talking about it being relative to space or nothingness.

so basically what i'm saying is that time just is. 

no beginning or end, 

there's always going to be time elapsing no matter how you are recording it.

Time is infinite.

This also means through logic that eventually, 

every infinite possibility must happen.

because theres infinite time for it to happen in.

it also directs to the concept that every possibility must have already happened 

because theres infinite time before this instance for them to have happened in.

Everything has to have happened every single way, infinite number of times.

including this moment.

This, depending on your vantage can be a depressing thought but i figure,

if you take one of these infinite possibilities away and it fucks up the whole system.

so every little instance has to be as meaningless and absolutely important as the next.

This way of thinking fucks with me about the concept of space.

how can space end? logically? 

how can there possibly be a solid nothing?

this also means that at this very moment, 

every infinite possibility has to be taking place.

infinite times over.

Life feels like a contradiction because, 

although it seems like it is completely futile and meaningless, 

nothing would exist without this moment.

happening again. and again.

and the fucked thing is, thinking this, doesnt change a thing.

you live because it has to happen eventually.

this is happening because it had to i spose.

so even if you get depressed and do something stupid,

or if you live a long and self fulfilling life.

in the scheme, its the same deal.

it had to happen.

so reading this is pointless because it really shouldnt impact your life but ive found that i cant stop thinking about it.

in the end, all you can do about it is to live like you would normally.

the same way you are somewhere else.

XI

If knowledge is power and ignorance is bliss. 

this means,

knowledge is hell

and ignorance is weakness.

so...

bliss is weakness.

hell is power.

X

i fucking hate this scene. 

'famous' people getting a free walk because they're in a band or run some booking agency somewhere.

Ive seen more than one world, more than one den and more than one rooftop. And ive never been wealthy.

and ill be honest. i fucking hate the feeling of insecurity around some people. fuck it. everybody reacts the same to lead through a forehead.

there's no need for insecurity.

give it 8 years. 8 years and we'll see how well off you are.

im not going to be riding any wave of shit to get to where im going.

no hype.

no sweating.

im crawling with my two hands.

8 years to the arrogant fucks.

get your legs done.

don't worry about the throat yet.

IX. what to expect

and i know it seems like im walking the wrong way

but the shoes ive been given dont fit my feet.

and how am i meant to take the shoes off?

id rather be without them than walking the wrong way.

If i could draw you a picture to relate my meanings

id put it under my skin.

sitting infront of another screen.

again not sober 

having an amzing case of deja vu but not sarcastically.

the flowers next to me have wilted more.

two hours earlier,

watching people and not having to think.

happy for the most part.

a friend and i talking about loss

of another friend,

and how not to lose them.

noticing without being noticed.

each person acting the way id expect them to.

this is hard when you don't have any idea how a person is supposed to act.

and so i try to figure them out before i expect anything.

this works.

and so im happy with the company i have.

and i cant expect anything from someone i dont know.

i could either expect it all, or nothing

but the cups half empty.

sometimes someone can act a way i dont expect them too.

i like it when people hate the same things i do.

i miss my friends.

the old friends.

the old ones ive got now but younger.

i miss dancing on couches

laughing about a black eye

breaking bottles

swimming across streets

riding cars

split lips

wrecking hotel rooms

i miss being there at the drop of a hat and never having to wonder.

I miss sharing capsicum spray.

loyalty for only one reason.

today i tattooed 'paradise' to the knuckles of a friend. was surprisingly fun. knuckles are a cunt.

and i know it seems like im walking the wrong way

but the shoes ive been given dont fit my feet.

VIII

pardi in paradise

VII

Dear Commonwealth Bank and Telstra

Cut me a break? 

VI

the release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking... the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watch maker. - Albert Einstien.

V

the flowers in the cup next to me are wilting. 

One has fallen in and is half submerged.

the stems were too short.

cant afford to be picky when stealing flowers.

When I come across something i don't want to see, i kinda get a feeling of guilt because i know i probably wasn't meant to see it.

This is ridiculous and logic sets me straight.

and stops me in my tracks.

It would suck if god was my house mate.

It would suck if my house mates could be as self riotous as god.

It would suck if god had a furry fuck faced dog named homer that tends to fuck most of home living up for myself and my cat.

...mainly my cat. but you mess with her and its gonna bug me out.

thank fuck my house mate isnt god and i can threaten her dog with torture.

A dude i went to school with and would refer to as a friend, 

not close, 

but a friend, 

passed the other day.

Another friend said in reference to him. 

'even now we can look back and know he was a hero'

- in relation to how he handled and how gracious he was in the few months prior.

I hope his family are doing ok.

I wont be able to attend but ive been thinking.

in my few years it seems that it has only ever taken the good and some of the most amazing people i have met.

i still havent heard of it taking a bad person.

this fucks with me.

Ive lost my grip on a lot of things.

Im losing touch.

I missed a friends show tonight.

I couldnt afford the entry.

I can afford food but not rent or debt repayments.

I cant afford to keep my thumbs.

i need to clean this room. 

IV. love, hate or die

At work we were talking about nazi occult experiments. Those fuckers tried everything to win. 

There was one story about an experiment in which they tried to raise kids to be purely militant. from birth onwards. 

No love, no nurturing, no human contact, not allowed to touch one and other or anyone to touch them. 

Every single one of the groups of experiments died except one group.

It turned out that one of the people overseeing the group that lived had played with them for a few hours when they had gotten a chance. The group that lived had been shown attention and been cared for. That was the only difference.

I guess caring or even love is part of the human condition. 

So it kinda came down to, 'be loved or die'.

Now. i'm a firm believer in duality, you cant have one without the other, thus meaning that hate is just as important.

So either hate, love or die.

Today i tattooed a horses head with arrows coming out of it... or going in.. you get what i mean. It was a coverup of a skull and a razorblade with blood. The tattoo i was covering couldnt relate an emotion or time in a persons life more than what it did. And i found the concept of covering up a tattoo like this that was obviously shaming the wearer was kind of symbolic. Its still under the surface, but now they can deal with it themselves rather than making the rest of the world deal with it. Its fucking hard to work on coverups. you have to make the tattoo dark but still leave enough room for it to look cool and bright. In one way it ruins the artwork but in another theres more of an art to it.

III.

today i worked.

its hard being a tattoo apprentice. not so much all the work but the sacrifices. 

Im 20,000 plus dollars in debt and i dont get a wage.

Thank fuck ive got people, some i regard as friends, 

others as opportunists,

-to help me pay my rent.

My girlfriends been having nightmares. 

its funny that, when everything is fine and questioned wether it really is, you begin to wonder.

 lucky i think its funny i guess.

I like my nightmares. I dunno. 

makes me wake up happier. 

Glad that im here and not there y'know?

If i dont have a nightmare to start my day, that first few hours just drag on and on with nothin to consider or wonder about.

damn this teenage angst.

Today i tattooed a wolf and a heart onto Robs chest. we did the linework for most of what will be sitting on his sternum. get the worst out of the way kind of deal. 

fuck its hard tattooing that spot.

and it begins.

II

as i was cleaning tubes this morning at work, i was thinking about the whole newtonian law of physics 'every action has an equal and opposite reaction'. There are a lot of religious princibles that revolve around similar ideas. note that im not stating anything that i say here-forth, more questioning. 

If every action has an equal and opposite reaction how does this apply in regards to the universe? If i do something really bad... i pay the consequence right? 

what about, if i do something really bad, will it mean that something really good will happen somewhere as a result of this? (keep in mind that im just using this as an example because who am i to say what's good and bad, right?)... 

so in the end, by doing something really bad are we (in turn) doing something really good? or bad? or good? because naturally, each of these, although they are reactions, are seperate actions all the same, must have a reaction to follow them. The whole concept of karma seems to be much more complex to me than just, you do bad and bad will happen to you. 

I believe that if the concept of karma were to work as an idea, there would have to be more planes of reactions and actions, rather than it being only about the two people involved. If you get shot in the head by a bad man, does that mean something good will happen to you eventually?

we just get eaten by maggots... but maybe thats doing something good...

I. begins

so today i made one of these things...

everyone else has one, why not me i spose? 

and im pretty sure majority out there start the same way. excusing the fact that theyre doing it becuase they think its lame, and they dont want everyone else to think that theyre lame or following the trend... im the same but trying desperately to fight against this subconscious urge to be accepted or understood or both. understanding is a form of acceptance. Yes i have this urge and im betting a large number of you do... thats why you all write 'fuck what everyone thinks, ill do what i want'... 

If you didnt have it, why would you explain so people could understand? In the end, ultimately i have a feeling that there wont be a number of people large enough that read this to register an understanding and it will go on as meaningless rambling added to the rest of the whingeing crap thats on the internet... so you tell me why im doing it?

Speed... preface

i wrote this the day after the first night i tried dexies. medicinal speed. hate me for it like i know so many will but at least its the truth. sitting on one of my closest friends balconies with sunglasses on and no shirt, a fresh tattoo (also wearing sunglasses) stinging like crazy underneath my shirt i had wrapped around it, in the sun at about 7 in the morning after one of the best nights out id had in a long time. I am not making a habit of this. this is not me. i know it already. -

Poetry doesn't feel like poetry when I'm not holding a pen but i try again to explain the state of my affairs.

A blinking light in the corner of a room offers so many comfort but i just want a pen..

Were all going down in our own way. It all ends the same... So why the fuck am i searching for meaning in something that ill leave behind tomorrow?

...And ill do it again, trying in vein to give meaning to another fucking day, when i find myself sitting in this chair, typing words on a screen that gives no comfort to me with no meaning.