XIV

to get along with someone.

sometimes i feel its more important to hate the same things 

rather than like the same things.

if you hate different things,

you argue about it.

if you like different things, but hate the same things, 

you can deal with it.

so i guess i dont care about what you like.

ill listen to what you hate.

hating something always seems to have a sense of humor involved.

I've been trying to have a more positive outlook lately. 

it doesn't work for me.

i'm getting angrier because i cant laugh at how fucked things are.

it is becoming more apparent that im happier if i can just hate things like i naturally do.

but i still try...

but at the same time wonder why i am in the end.

every time ive come close to crying in the last few years ive laughed... most of the time hysterically.

the night my mum told me that she had M.S and had had attacks and it was irreversable.

 Inevitable that it was going to get harder eventually. 

eventually not be able to walk or move because she wont have control over her limbs and it was happening reasonably quickly. 

We had all seen the signs but didnt know the answer. 

Told that her memory would deteriorate along with it. 

maybe not as bad but it would be hard.

The night i was told this i laughed.

i felt like shit.

my mum cried and all i could do was laugh.

as much as i tried to stifle it. 

as shitty as i felt. thats what came out.

its kinda like when people talk about those moments where you could either laugh or cry.

rather laugh i guess.

hating doesn't seem like such a negative thing to me.

you cant have love without hate.

i feel like, 

if i love too much, it doesnt mean as much.

if i hate everything, and love only a few things.

those things are more important.

fuck it. i know what i mean.

give it all to those i love.

...fuck the rest.