XXVII

so last night we did a ouija board.

nothin.

its funny how something can seem like the most important or intense thing at the time but in retrospect just seem so lame.

it was fun. fun to share that completely unknown fear with my friends. 

its also funny that people are scared of what they dont understand the most... when they have no reason to be scared of it because they know nothing about it.

i like that i find these things funny.

turns out that we're not getting evicted as far as we know at the moment.

its looking like i can get the cash together that i need soon.

im still sticking to my plan.

cutting ties and not having any lenience for those i dont care about. 

i feel like my old self again.

only caring about the ones i actually care about.

at the end. i am a cunt. i will be a cunt to you. 

i dont know you or have a reason to care about you. 

and if i do. 

i will try to hold you as high as i can reach above the rests heads.

things are good when you take a few hundred steps back. its just a really big picture.

the cups still half empty, but im thirsty again.

and regardless of emotion being taught

and things happening infinite times over, differently.

i am here. its happening this way for me at the moment.

and ive learnt to feel this way and taught myself based on my path.

this is me here and now. if i wasnt me. id be different. i could be you.

i dont want to be.

i like what i am and how ive been conditioned. thats the point of conditioning right?

im not giving in to seeming meaninglessness.

just acknowledging that it doesnt matter and that i am this creature. we feel because we learned to and it is natural.

im just an animal in the end.

so my actions will be my own.

for my own reasons.

i am my self.

p.s the game.

XXVI from the heart. thankyou and sorry. i love you.

ive been a self riotous cunt over the years. there are few that know me on a more personal level. and i know that there are alot of those people that i have let down.

people that have loved me and been hurt by my actions or lack of understanding.

there are a few who still. despite all of my downfalls still stand by my side. even after being completely taken for granted. 

people that even after the things ive done, have still believed that i was worth it and a good person at heart.

i love you so much for trying.

and i regret so much for not appreciating it as much as i should have.

im trying to turn my life around now.

i know it doesnt mean a thing at this time, but im doing it.

for one in particular that shattered everything clouding my head and a few others definitely.

i am the person you stuck by. i just lost sight alot over the years.

significant things have happened. a release finally.

i miss you. i miss how i was. ill be right again.

i know i need to prove it.

im so sorry

and most of all thank you.

these are the people that give me self worth.

XXV

I broke down, before i could stand up.

for the first time, in a long time.

im standing.

i remember.

i feel like me again.

im not saying everythings fine. its not. 

theres alot that has changed.

but at the least im me again.

i feel good.

i feel regret. 

i feel ashamed of things ive done.

not just recently but over the years. 

but i feel like i did when i had a clue.

when i could carry the world at such a young age.

thoughts and depressing philosophy aside.

i feel good because i know i can be better now, 

because i can see how bad it was.

i hate that it had to build up this much.

i hate that it took this.

but im standing now.

im not dead here yet.

this isnt there.

theres a no vacancy sign hanging on the gates of hell

and we're not dead yet.

XXIV

I should be asleep.

I should be a lot of things im not.

im tired.

more tired than ive ever been before.

the more i think, the more i write in this and the clearer my thoughts become.

i never needed my thoughts to be clear.

its hard to find meaning or worth in anything these days.

and what makes it worse is that im always looking more and more.

all my life all ive ever heard is 

'you remind me of someone'

'do you believe in past lives?'

'you have an old soul'

'...your eyes.'

all i see in my eyes is decay. 

and i have always wanted to know why others cant.

i thought i was losing myself before.

that was nothing.

im struggling as hard as i can to remain.

i want to.

its just gotten harder to stop myself before i start now.

i cant find any reason to try to stop.

other than want, ive been blinded.

XXIII.

i wrote this a year or so ago. its still relevant.

I walk in front of

traffic when i feel dead

not becuase i wanna die but

becuase living makes me feel more alive

and i try to remember the lie

and to laugh at the joke

at the hope we all hold

but sometimes i need a brighter light

this flame in my heart still burns

but the world got darker and here i am

seraching for headlights

and im alone in this skull

and with your fruitless dreams, your alone.

your alone.

stuck on a sinking ship in an ocean full of them.

spending my days jumping off cliffs just to live.

trying to see when we were never given eyes.

trying in vein to improve a hopeless life

why fucking try?

to stay alive.

XXII human condition.

ive been thinking about the concept of right and wrong.

right and wrong are only perceptions. 

there is no true moral ground.

because it differs from person to person. 

so how can there possibly be a heaven or hell? 

if there is no such thing as right and wrong or good and bad?

just the way people perceive it?

a suicide bomber believes what they are doing is right.

i want to go on about heaven and hell and the concept but at the moment im trying to make a point.

the idea of heaven and hell. in majority of us, 

is what instils a sense of responsibility to do right.

now. without this. what reason have we got?

we do whats right because its whats in our hearts.

but why is it there?

we arent born with it. these are things that we learn.

we are conditioned to feel guilt and know right and wrong.

so does that mean that these are man made notions?

everything we feel, is only our perception. 

everybody feels it differently. 

because everybody is raised differently.

so we are taught to feel how we feel.

nothing we feel is true. in a sense that it is universal.

only true to yourself.

any emotion you have relates to everything that has ever happened in your life.

everything that you feel is personal.

you might be able to describe similar feelings.

but it is only yours to have.

the human condition isn't something we are born with.

we learn it.

we're fed it.

but this being said. 

it relates to my earlier post about nazi experiments with newborn children. 

on April 4th 'love hate or die'.

indication that contact with other life is what kept them alive.

maybe not because nurture or emotion is a part of the human condition.

but knowledge is.

everything we feel or think,

we've been taught.

at the moment im thinking,

knowledge is the human condition.

'OH WHERES THE HUMANITY?'

 

XX! cash.

so. a step away from the deep and contemplative.

i have about 1000 worth of tram fines that ive ignored and they don't know where i live.

i have rent coming up which is 560.

my house mate is moving out with only a fucking weeks notice so, 

until someone can move in/ pay me back, thats an extra 560.

ive got fines for not voting. thats about 100 now that its late.

i owe a friend 250. which i'm fairly sure they think ive forgotten about. - i haven't. and wont.

i owe another friend 50.

im getting sued apparently for 20,000 by the commonwealth bank soon.

im going to be dealing with the same sort of thing from telstra soon, 

that will be another 2000.

24520ish dollars in debt.

i earn maybe 200 dollars a week. and cant afford to get centerlink because a tattoo apprenticeship isn't recognized by the government.

im unable to take the time off to go to the classes or job seeker or shit and i dont have spare time enough to get a second job.

ontop of all this i have to save to get my own gear for tattooing.

thats a few grand by itself.

im not trying to cry about it. this is my grave

ive chosen to lie in it.

im just explaining that its a fucking hard road.

tattooing isn't what kat von d makes it out to be.

you've got to want it.

and these dilemmas are only the monetary ones im putting up with these days.

XX.

its at times when i feel i dont know anything that i sit and write like this.

this time, theres no flowers wilting next to me.

You hate what you see in the mirror because it is human.

Because no matter how hard you try to be rid of them. 

you have flaws.

flaws that you like. but try to abolish.

i dont hate them. i study them and grow tired of them.

so that when i change them. it isnt a choice to make.

i just know them. 

know thine enemy i suppose.

nearly a year ago. i broke edge.

ill be honest. to this day, i still feel ashamed.

not for breaking. but for claiming in the first place.

this is not to detriment anyone who calls themselves straight edge proudly. 

i support you. we just do things for our own reasons.

I do the things that i do these days to teach myself about myself.

now i know things.

I can base opinions on them. develop a preference.

so many have said im falling off the rails, ive lost my way.

im building my own track and im not coming to your town.

im just building this track myself. carving every wooden railing.

so that i know it. like myself.

taking any other rail would be ridiculous.

i was never en route to your town.

deep down, ive always been like this. analyze and interpret.

i just lost sight every now and then.

there is no right and wrong. 

i understand that every human has the capacity to slit another mans throat at any time.

i understand that sometimes i do things that are erratic

but does understanding them and giving them reason make them erratic?

im just over ignorance.

i never want to say never again.

and i think this is an paradox in itself huh.

i want to know. not to think.

thats the difference between wisdom and intelligence. 

XIX absurdism and duality.

This follows on from time and space put up in april. More of a moral dilemma.

How can God be specific? God cant be girl, boy, black, white, tall, short etc. 

right and wrong are only perceptions. 

one mans version of right is another mans wrong. 

Moral values are relative to the person holding them. 

so how can God have an agenda or care?

so why would God have created the universe if God cant be specific, have an agenda or care?  

There is no reason that God could have ever created life because if It is divine, It also cant be biased. 

If God is everything. It has to, logically be nothing.

There cant be a meaning for anything in the end and that sadly is the meaning.

God has to exist. But. If It Did. It couldn't.

Life is a fucking paradox.

XVIII

it will all be my fault. i know it already and i dont care.
this is better and i know it.
yesterday scared me more than i can relate.
i cant let that be me and i wont so its done.
no matter. any other reason. that is enough.
i cant and wont do that to someone. even if its me that they want.
no.
any other reason feels redundant. i cant let myself be any more of what i hate. theres too much.

i flogged that horse for so fucking long and i thought it moved, or maybe i wasnt strong enough.
but all i saw was it rotting further into the ground.
nothing excuses anything. any reason, is still there, but nothing excuses.
but all i ever have to tell myself is that, i was told this all.
i was told from the beginning.
and i being the fool chose to ignore.
this has all happened before.
i tried more than i can ever relate to anyone.
and there are few that saw that are able to support that statement. but they do.
this has all happened before.
i wasnt the constant.
but i can never excuse myself.
fuck it. i tried so hard.

it takes two to tango.
two sides to every coin.
every fence.
every story.
without understanding that. you never understand anything.
you think you do. but your not looking at the whole picture.

as much as i hate to say it. and i do.
things are for the better.
good riddance.
and honestly. at this point even still. best wishes.