XXVII

so last night we did a ouija board.

nothin.

its funny how something can seem like the most important or intense thing at the time but in retrospect just seem so lame.

it was fun. fun to share that completely unknown fear with my friends. 

its also funny that people are scared of what they dont understand the most... when they have no reason to be scared of it because they know nothing about it.

i like that i find these things funny.

turns out that we're not getting evicted as far as we know at the moment.

its looking like i can get the cash together that i need soon.

im still sticking to my plan.

cutting ties and not having any lenience for those i dont care about. 

i feel like my old self again.

only caring about the ones i actually care about.

at the end. i am a cunt. i will be a cunt to you. 

i dont know you or have a reason to care about you. 

and if i do. 

i will try to hold you as high as i can reach above the rests heads.

things are good when you take a few hundred steps back. its just a really big picture.

the cups still half empty, but im thirsty again.

and regardless of emotion being taught

and things happening infinite times over, differently.

i am here. its happening this way for me at the moment.

and ive learnt to feel this way and taught myself based on my path.

this is me here and now. if i wasnt me. id be different. i could be you.

i dont want to be.

i like what i am and how ive been conditioned. thats the point of conditioning right?

im not giving in to seeming meaninglessness.

just acknowledging that it doesnt matter and that i am this creature. we feel because we learned to and it is natural.

im just an animal in the end.

so my actions will be my own.

for my own reasons.

i am my self.

p.s the game.