XXXIV

another day offers a new light to be seen in.

the light feels old but so refreshing.

I spend my days recognizing my flaws.

I try in vein to correct them.

Ive cut the ties that hid who i was.

and im left feeling like myself again.

I'm finally doing what ive said i would for the past 10 years.

These eyes are decaying because they have seen the fall.

to say that ive changed and im not seeing clear

is rebutted by every action of the past.

im still me. im just not perfect.

i never said i was a good person.

just that i try to be.

Im the best there is at being me but there are definately better people to be.

XXXIII

I'll always be the one reaching for that apple. 

I hate it but my arms outstretched

and i'll get it too.

XXXII time out.

when you marry the man of your dreams you'll get it.

I never forgot.

The only person i stopped caring about was myself for a change.

It fucked me inside but in the end it is the best thing for you

and the only thing that gives me the right to make these decisions is that i know me and us.

Grasping at straws is less than what you deserve.

I could only really be a scarecrow in the end.

So here you are, doing,

except for reading this,

exactly what i wanted.

Hating.

Moving on.

Searching for something more.

Not settling for a bad fit.

You hate me

but one day you will be happier than i could ever make you.

If hating me gets you there,

thats all i want.

XXXI

the one phrase that keeps coming back to me is 

'sometimes you have to lose yourself before you can find yourself'.

i hate it when people take metaphors and try and relate them logically when it is quite obviously a metaphor. its no achievement.

XXX. not edge. read earlier posts.

If everything has to happen eventually, ill die an infinite number of times infinite numbers of ways.

if every single possibility has to be happening because space has to continue, im already dead somewhere.

Some things have got to happen, based on now. because thats all ive got to go on. and the future, past and space are constant reminders. 

i completely believe i have no soul.

i cant.

its a myth.

read previous posts about conditioning.

if we are conditioned into what we are, 

if knowledge and learning is the human condition. 

if genetics are the other influence to our temperament and chemical imbalances within us.

how can we possibly have a soul if animals dont?

we are animals.

i do believe there are secrets to life.

a human corpse (as far as we know) is structurally no different to a living one.

this doesn't mean i believe in such thing as a soul.

people relate their soul to your inner monologue.

because thats your thoughts and its not physical?

it is physical. 

its all computing within your brain with every electrical impulse.

that is your mind.

someone who doesn't speak english would have to have an inner monologue in their preferred language. thats simple and obvious enough. 

So inner monologue doesn't rely on communication.

just what you know.

so.. if you grew up not communicating with anyone. 

logically, 

you'd have an inner monologue that only you would understand because its your own personal willing force. 

if an animal species doesn't have the capacity to communicate with each other, 

i believe they still have an inner monologue and are capable of thinking.

 just some more than others as with every animal.

XXVIV

still standing.

standing, lost in a forest.

all ive really got is the direction ive chosen to walk.

wish these fucking shoes fit.

XXVII

so last night we did a ouija board.

nothin.

its funny how something can seem like the most important or intense thing at the time but in retrospect just seem so lame.

it was fun. fun to share that completely unknown fear with my friends. 

its also funny that people are scared of what they dont understand the most... when they have no reason to be scared of it because they know nothing about it.

i like that i find these things funny.

turns out that we're not getting evicted as far as we know at the moment.

its looking like i can get the cash together that i need soon.

im still sticking to my plan.

cutting ties and not having any lenience for those i dont care about. 

i feel like my old self again.

only caring about the ones i actually care about.

at the end. i am a cunt. i will be a cunt to you. 

i dont know you or have a reason to care about you. 

and if i do. 

i will try to hold you as high as i can reach above the rests heads.

things are good when you take a few hundred steps back. its just a really big picture.

the cups still half empty, but im thirsty again.

and regardless of emotion being taught

and things happening infinite times over, differently.

i am here. its happening this way for me at the moment.

and ive learnt to feel this way and taught myself based on my path.

this is me here and now. if i wasnt me. id be different. i could be you.

i dont want to be.

i like what i am and how ive been conditioned. thats the point of conditioning right?

im not giving in to seeming meaninglessness.

just acknowledging that it doesnt matter and that i am this creature. we feel because we learned to and it is natural.

im just an animal in the end.

so my actions will be my own.

for my own reasons.

i am my self.

p.s the game.

XXVI from the heart. thankyou and sorry. i love you.

ive been a self riotous cunt over the years. there are few that know me on a more personal level. and i know that there are alot of those people that i have let down.

people that have loved me and been hurt by my actions or lack of understanding.

there are a few who still. despite all of my downfalls still stand by my side. even after being completely taken for granted. 

people that even after the things ive done, have still believed that i was worth it and a good person at heart.

i love you so much for trying.

and i regret so much for not appreciating it as much as i should have.

im trying to turn my life around now.

i know it doesnt mean a thing at this time, but im doing it.

for one in particular that shattered everything clouding my head and a few others definitely.

i am the person you stuck by. i just lost sight alot over the years.

significant things have happened. a release finally.

i miss you. i miss how i was. ill be right again.

i know i need to prove it.

im so sorry

and most of all thank you.

these are the people that give me self worth.

XXV

I broke down, before i could stand up.

for the first time, in a long time.

im standing.

i remember.

i feel like me again.

im not saying everythings fine. its not. 

theres alot that has changed.

but at the least im me again.

i feel good.

i feel regret. 

i feel ashamed of things ive done.

not just recently but over the years. 

but i feel like i did when i had a clue.

when i could carry the world at such a young age.

thoughts and depressing philosophy aside.

i feel good because i know i can be better now, 

because i can see how bad it was.

i hate that it had to build up this much.

i hate that it took this.

but im standing now.

im not dead here yet.

this isnt there.

theres a no vacancy sign hanging on the gates of hell

and we're not dead yet.

XXIV

I should be asleep.

I should be a lot of things im not.

im tired.

more tired than ive ever been before.

the more i think, the more i write in this and the clearer my thoughts become.

i never needed my thoughts to be clear.

its hard to find meaning or worth in anything these days.

and what makes it worse is that im always looking more and more.

all my life all ive ever heard is 

'you remind me of someone'

'do you believe in past lives?'

'you have an old soul'

'...your eyes.'

all i see in my eyes is decay. 

and i have always wanted to know why others cant.

i thought i was losing myself before.

that was nothing.

im struggling as hard as i can to remain.

i want to.

its just gotten harder to stop myself before i start now.

i cant find any reason to try to stop.

other than want, ive been blinded.

XXIII.

i wrote this a year or so ago. its still relevant.

I walk in front of

traffic when i feel dead

not becuase i wanna die but

becuase living makes me feel more alive

and i try to remember the lie

and to laugh at the joke

at the hope we all hold

but sometimes i need a brighter light

this flame in my heart still burns

but the world got darker and here i am

seraching for headlights

and im alone in this skull

and with your fruitless dreams, your alone.

your alone.

stuck on a sinking ship in an ocean full of them.

spending my days jumping off cliffs just to live.

trying to see when we were never given eyes.

trying in vein to improve a hopeless life

why fucking try?

to stay alive.

XXII human condition.

ive been thinking about the concept of right and wrong.

right and wrong are only perceptions. 

there is no true moral ground.

because it differs from person to person. 

so how can there possibly be a heaven or hell? 

if there is no such thing as right and wrong or good and bad?

just the way people perceive it?

a suicide bomber believes what they are doing is right.

i want to go on about heaven and hell and the concept but at the moment im trying to make a point.

the idea of heaven and hell. in majority of us, 

is what instils a sense of responsibility to do right.

now. without this. what reason have we got?

we do whats right because its whats in our hearts.

but why is it there?

we arent born with it. these are things that we learn.

we are conditioned to feel guilt and know right and wrong.

so does that mean that these are man made notions?

everything we feel, is only our perception. 

everybody feels it differently. 

because everybody is raised differently.

so we are taught to feel how we feel.

nothing we feel is true. in a sense that it is universal.

only true to yourself.

any emotion you have relates to everything that has ever happened in your life.

everything that you feel is personal.

you might be able to describe similar feelings.

but it is only yours to have.

the human condition isn't something we are born with.

we learn it.

we're fed it.

but this being said. 

it relates to my earlier post about nazi experiments with newborn children. 

on April 4th 'love hate or die'.

indication that contact with other life is what kept them alive.

maybe not because nurture or emotion is a part of the human condition.

but knowledge is.

everything we feel or think,

we've been taught.

at the moment im thinking,

knowledge is the human condition.

'OH WHERES THE HUMANITY?'

 

XX! cash.

so. a step away from the deep and contemplative.

i have about 1000 worth of tram fines that ive ignored and they don't know where i live.

i have rent coming up which is 560.

my house mate is moving out with only a fucking weeks notice so, 

until someone can move in/ pay me back, thats an extra 560.

ive got fines for not voting. thats about 100 now that its late.

i owe a friend 250. which i'm fairly sure they think ive forgotten about. - i haven't. and wont.

i owe another friend 50.

im getting sued apparently for 20,000 by the commonwealth bank soon.

im going to be dealing with the same sort of thing from telstra soon, 

that will be another 2000.

24520ish dollars in debt.

i earn maybe 200 dollars a week. and cant afford to get centerlink because a tattoo apprenticeship isn't recognized by the government.

im unable to take the time off to go to the classes or job seeker or shit and i dont have spare time enough to get a second job.

ontop of all this i have to save to get my own gear for tattooing.

thats a few grand by itself.

im not trying to cry about it. this is my grave

ive chosen to lie in it.

im just explaining that its a fucking hard road.

tattooing isn't what kat von d makes it out to be.

you've got to want it.

and these dilemmas are only the monetary ones im putting up with these days.

XX.

its at times when i feel i dont know anything that i sit and write like this.

this time, theres no flowers wilting next to me.

You hate what you see in the mirror because it is human.

Because no matter how hard you try to be rid of them. 

you have flaws.

flaws that you like. but try to abolish.

i dont hate them. i study them and grow tired of them.

so that when i change them. it isnt a choice to make.

i just know them. 

know thine enemy i suppose.

nearly a year ago. i broke edge.

ill be honest. to this day, i still feel ashamed.

not for breaking. but for claiming in the first place.

this is not to detriment anyone who calls themselves straight edge proudly. 

i support you. we just do things for our own reasons.

I do the things that i do these days to teach myself about myself.

now i know things.

I can base opinions on them. develop a preference.

so many have said im falling off the rails, ive lost my way.

im building my own track and im not coming to your town.

im just building this track myself. carving every wooden railing.

so that i know it. like myself.

taking any other rail would be ridiculous.

i was never en route to your town.

deep down, ive always been like this. analyze and interpret.

i just lost sight every now and then.

there is no right and wrong. 

i understand that every human has the capacity to slit another mans throat at any time.

i understand that sometimes i do things that are erratic

but does understanding them and giving them reason make them erratic?

im just over ignorance.

i never want to say never again.

and i think this is an paradox in itself huh.

i want to know. not to think.

thats the difference between wisdom and intelligence. 

XIX absurdism and duality.

This follows on from time and space put up in april. More of a moral dilemma.

How can God be specific? God cant be girl, boy, black, white, tall, short etc. 

right and wrong are only perceptions. 

one mans version of right is another mans wrong. 

Moral values are relative to the person holding them. 

so how can God have an agenda or care?

so why would God have created the universe if God cant be specific, have an agenda or care?  

There is no reason that God could have ever created life because if It is divine, It also cant be biased. 

If God is everything. It has to, logically be nothing.

There cant be a meaning for anything in the end and that sadly is the meaning.

God has to exist. But. If It Did. It couldn't.

Life is a fucking paradox.

XVIII

it will all be my fault. i know it already and i dont care.
this is better and i know it.
yesterday scared me more than i can relate.
i cant let that be me and i wont so its done.
no matter. any other reason. that is enough.
i cant and wont do that to someone. even if its me that they want.
no.
any other reason feels redundant. i cant let myself be any more of what i hate. theres too much.

i flogged that horse for so fucking long and i thought it moved, or maybe i wasnt strong enough.
but all i saw was it rotting further into the ground.
nothing excuses anything. any reason, is still there, but nothing excuses.
but all i ever have to tell myself is that, i was told this all.
i was told from the beginning.
and i being the fool chose to ignore.
this has all happened before.
i tried more than i can ever relate to anyone.
and there are few that saw that are able to support that statement. but they do.
this has all happened before.
i wasnt the constant.
but i can never excuse myself.
fuck it. i tried so hard.

it takes two to tango.
two sides to every coin.
every fence.
every story.
without understanding that. you never understand anything.
you think you do. but your not looking at the whole picture.

as much as i hate to say it. and i do.
things are for the better.
good riddance.
and honestly. at this point even still. best wishes.

XVII flogging a dead horse.

i flogged that fucking horse in the hope that i could move it an inch

i flogged it for too long and all it did was rot.

until finally its eyes fell out and it sank further into the earth.

id rather fucking walk.

XVI sunset

workin for the workers to waste a dollar made 

a life of spending spent working every fucking day 

and from the moment i was born ive been digging my own grave

 trying to burn a trail. bright enough to light my way. 

we all die trying

XV

how do you act 

if you've just been stabbed in the gut,

but your friend has stubbed their toe ?

what if it was your friend who, while, somehow stubbing their toe,

theyve managed to pierce you where it hurts and not realize it?

and if, try as you might to explain, they cant see that youve been gutted,

but you can see that they have stubbed their toe.

i feel like im making allowances for a self inflicted stubbed toe,

while ive been stabbed in the guts.

and the worst thing is.

that toe will always be more important.

XIV

to get along with someone.

sometimes i feel its more important to hate the same things 

rather than like the same things.

if you hate different things,

you argue about it.

if you like different things, but hate the same things, 

you can deal with it.

so i guess i dont care about what you like.

ill listen to what you hate.

hating something always seems to have a sense of humor involved.

I've been trying to have a more positive outlook lately. 

it doesn't work for me.

i'm getting angrier because i cant laugh at how fucked things are.

it is becoming more apparent that im happier if i can just hate things like i naturally do.

but i still try...

but at the same time wonder why i am in the end.

every time ive come close to crying in the last few years ive laughed... most of the time hysterically.

the night my mum told me that she had M.S and had had attacks and it was irreversable.

 Inevitable that it was going to get harder eventually. 

eventually not be able to walk or move because she wont have control over her limbs and it was happening reasonably quickly. 

We had all seen the signs but didnt know the answer. 

Told that her memory would deteriorate along with it. 

maybe not as bad but it would be hard.

The night i was told this i laughed.

i felt like shit.

my mum cried and all i could do was laugh.

as much as i tried to stifle it. 

as shitty as i felt. thats what came out.

its kinda like when people talk about those moments where you could either laugh or cry.

rather laugh i guess.

hating doesn't seem like such a negative thing to me.

you cant have love without hate.

i feel like, 

if i love too much, it doesnt mean as much.

if i hate everything, and love only a few things.

those things are more important.

fuck it. i know what i mean.

give it all to those i love.

...fuck the rest.

XIII

Today is the birthday of the first zombie.

thats why i celebrate easter.

little rabbits to chew on.

XII. time and space.

Time and space lemans theory. 

...this will probably be a re occurring post.

If there was a big bang -

What was there before it?

space and time. 

there had to be because there always has to be something to proceed something else in time.

 even when there's nothing in the universe, there's nothingness and time elapsing.

 

So how can time begin? 

yes i know that time is relative but i'm talking about it being relative to space or nothingness.

so basically what i'm saying is that time just is. 

no beginning or end, 

there's always going to be time elapsing no matter how you are recording it.

Time is infinite.

This also means through logic that eventually, 

every infinite possibility must happen.

because theres infinite time for it to happen in.

it also directs to the concept that every possibility must have already happened 

because theres infinite time before this instance for them to have happened in.

Everything has to have happened every single way, infinite number of times.

including this moment.

This, depending on your vantage can be a depressing thought but i figure,

if you take one of these infinite possibilities away and it fucks up the whole system.

so every little instance has to be as meaningless and absolutely important as the next.

This way of thinking fucks with me about the concept of space.

how can space end? logically? 

how can there possibly be a solid nothing?

this also means that at this very moment, 

every infinite possibility has to be taking place.

infinite times over.

Life feels like a contradiction because, 

although it seems like it is completely futile and meaningless, 

nothing would exist without this moment.

happening again. and again.

and the fucked thing is, thinking this, doesnt change a thing.

you live because it has to happen eventually.

this is happening because it had to i spose.

so even if you get depressed and do something stupid,

or if you live a long and self fulfilling life.

in the scheme, its the same deal.

it had to happen.

so reading this is pointless because it really shouldnt impact your life but ive found that i cant stop thinking about it.

in the end, all you can do about it is to live like you would normally.

the same way you are somewhere else.

XI

If knowledge is power and ignorance is bliss. 

this means,

knowledge is hell

and ignorance is weakness.

so...

bliss is weakness.

hell is power.

X

i fucking hate this scene. 

'famous' people getting a free walk because they're in a band or run some booking agency somewhere.

Ive seen more than one world, more than one den and more than one rooftop. And ive never been wealthy.

and ill be honest. i fucking hate the feeling of insecurity around some people. fuck it. everybody reacts the same to lead through a forehead.

there's no need for insecurity.

give it 8 years. 8 years and we'll see how well off you are.

im not going to be riding any wave of shit to get to where im going.

no hype.

no sweating.

im crawling with my two hands.

8 years to the arrogant fucks.

get your legs done.

don't worry about the throat yet.

IX. what to expect

and i know it seems like im walking the wrong way

but the shoes ive been given dont fit my feet.

and how am i meant to take the shoes off?

id rather be without them than walking the wrong way.

If i could draw you a picture to relate my meanings

id put it under my skin.

sitting infront of another screen.

again not sober 

having an amzing case of deja vu but not sarcastically.

the flowers next to me have wilted more.

two hours earlier,

watching people and not having to think.

happy for the most part.

a friend and i talking about loss

of another friend,

and how not to lose them.

noticing without being noticed.

each person acting the way id expect them to.

this is hard when you don't have any idea how a person is supposed to act.

and so i try to figure them out before i expect anything.

this works.

and so im happy with the company i have.

and i cant expect anything from someone i dont know.

i could either expect it all, or nothing

but the cups half empty.

sometimes someone can act a way i dont expect them too.

i like it when people hate the same things i do.

i miss my friends.

the old friends.

the old ones ive got now but younger.

i miss dancing on couches

laughing about a black eye

breaking bottles

swimming across streets

riding cars

split lips

wrecking hotel rooms

i miss being there at the drop of a hat and never having to wonder.

I miss sharing capsicum spray.

loyalty for only one reason.

today i tattooed 'paradise' to the knuckles of a friend. was surprisingly fun. knuckles are a cunt.

and i know it seems like im walking the wrong way

but the shoes ive been given dont fit my feet.

VIII

pardi in paradise

VII

Dear Commonwealth Bank and Telstra

Cut me a break? 

VI

the release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking... the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watch maker. - Albert Einstien.

V

the flowers in the cup next to me are wilting. 

One has fallen in and is half submerged.

the stems were too short.

cant afford to be picky when stealing flowers.

When I come across something i don't want to see, i kinda get a feeling of guilt because i know i probably wasn't meant to see it.

This is ridiculous and logic sets me straight.

and stops me in my tracks.

It would suck if god was my house mate.

It would suck if my house mates could be as self riotous as god.

It would suck if god had a furry fuck faced dog named homer that tends to fuck most of home living up for myself and my cat.

...mainly my cat. but you mess with her and its gonna bug me out.

thank fuck my house mate isnt god and i can threaten her dog with torture.

A dude i went to school with and would refer to as a friend, 

not close, 

but a friend, 

passed the other day.

Another friend said in reference to him. 

'even now we can look back and know he was a hero'

- in relation to how he handled and how gracious he was in the few months prior.

I hope his family are doing ok.

I wont be able to attend but ive been thinking.

in my few years it seems that it has only ever taken the good and some of the most amazing people i have met.

i still havent heard of it taking a bad person.

this fucks with me.

Ive lost my grip on a lot of things.

Im losing touch.

I missed a friends show tonight.

I couldnt afford the entry.

I can afford food but not rent or debt repayments.

I cant afford to keep my thumbs.

i need to clean this room. 

IV. love, hate or die

At work we were talking about nazi occult experiments. Those fuckers tried everything to win. 

There was one story about an experiment in which they tried to raise kids to be purely militant. from birth onwards. 

No love, no nurturing, no human contact, not allowed to touch one and other or anyone to touch them. 

Every single one of the groups of experiments died except one group.

It turned out that one of the people overseeing the group that lived had played with them for a few hours when they had gotten a chance. The group that lived had been shown attention and been cared for. That was the only difference.

I guess caring or even love is part of the human condition. 

So it kinda came down to, 'be loved or die'.

Now. i'm a firm believer in duality, you cant have one without the other, thus meaning that hate is just as important.

So either hate, love or die.

Today i tattooed a horses head with arrows coming out of it... or going in.. you get what i mean. It was a coverup of a skull and a razorblade with blood. The tattoo i was covering couldnt relate an emotion or time in a persons life more than what it did. And i found the concept of covering up a tattoo like this that was obviously shaming the wearer was kind of symbolic. Its still under the surface, but now they can deal with it themselves rather than making the rest of the world deal with it. Its fucking hard to work on coverups. you have to make the tattoo dark but still leave enough room for it to look cool and bright. In one way it ruins the artwork but in another theres more of an art to it.

III.

today i worked.

its hard being a tattoo apprentice. not so much all the work but the sacrifices. 

Im 20,000 plus dollars in debt and i dont get a wage.

Thank fuck ive got people, some i regard as friends, 

others as opportunists,

-to help me pay my rent.

My girlfriends been having nightmares. 

its funny that, when everything is fine and questioned wether it really is, you begin to wonder.

 lucky i think its funny i guess.

I like my nightmares. I dunno. 

makes me wake up happier. 

Glad that im here and not there y'know?

If i dont have a nightmare to start my day, that first few hours just drag on and on with nothin to consider or wonder about.

damn this teenage angst.

Today i tattooed a wolf and a heart onto Robs chest. we did the linework for most of what will be sitting on his sternum. get the worst out of the way kind of deal. 

fuck its hard tattooing that spot.

and it begins.

II

as i was cleaning tubes this morning at work, i was thinking about the whole newtonian law of physics 'every action has an equal and opposite reaction'. There are a lot of religious princibles that revolve around similar ideas. note that im not stating anything that i say here-forth, more questioning. 

If every action has an equal and opposite reaction how does this apply in regards to the universe? If i do something really bad... i pay the consequence right? 

what about, if i do something really bad, will it mean that something really good will happen somewhere as a result of this? (keep in mind that im just using this as an example because who am i to say what's good and bad, right?)... 

so in the end, by doing something really bad are we (in turn) doing something really good? or bad? or good? because naturally, each of these, although they are reactions, are seperate actions all the same, must have a reaction to follow them. The whole concept of karma seems to be much more complex to me than just, you do bad and bad will happen to you. 

I believe that if the concept of karma were to work as an idea, there would have to be more planes of reactions and actions, rather than it being only about the two people involved. If you get shot in the head by a bad man, does that mean something good will happen to you eventually?

we just get eaten by maggots... but maybe thats doing something good...

I. begins

so today i made one of these things...

everyone else has one, why not me i spose? 

and im pretty sure majority out there start the same way. excusing the fact that theyre doing it becuase they think its lame, and they dont want everyone else to think that theyre lame or following the trend... im the same but trying desperately to fight against this subconscious urge to be accepted or understood or both. understanding is a form of acceptance. Yes i have this urge and im betting a large number of you do... thats why you all write 'fuck what everyone thinks, ill do what i want'... 

If you didnt have it, why would you explain so people could understand? In the end, ultimately i have a feeling that there wont be a number of people large enough that read this to register an understanding and it will go on as meaningless rambling added to the rest of the whingeing crap thats on the internet... so you tell me why im doing it?

Speed... preface

i wrote this the day after the first night i tried dexies. medicinal speed. hate me for it like i know so many will but at least its the truth. sitting on one of my closest friends balconies with sunglasses on and no shirt, a fresh tattoo (also wearing sunglasses) stinging like crazy underneath my shirt i had wrapped around it, in the sun at about 7 in the morning after one of the best nights out id had in a long time. I am not making a habit of this. this is not me. i know it already. -

Poetry doesn't feel like poetry when I'm not holding a pen but i try again to explain the state of my affairs.

A blinking light in the corner of a room offers so many comfort but i just want a pen..

Were all going down in our own way. It all ends the same... So why the fuck am i searching for meaning in something that ill leave behind tomorrow?

...And ill do it again, trying in vein to give meaning to another fucking day, when i find myself sitting in this chair, typing words on a screen that gives no comfort to me with no meaning.